


santa baby

by fiveyaaas



Series: under mistletoe [25]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Amnesia, Crack, F/M, Face-Sitting, Lingerie, Love Triangles, Older Man/Younger Woman, Santa Kink, Sexual Humor, Sugar Daddy, and surprised, but i wanted to assure u all it was coming, but like, but y’all know i have a brand, i am YELLING i can’t believe this is a real tag, i feel so blessed, in the weirdest fucking way, it’ll happen in a later chap, not really tho, okay so to clarify, one version of fiveya won’t be endgame in this, so proud of myself, this crack is not treated seriously, this is my first time ever doing ficmas all the way through, which i guess technically means
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-29
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:40:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28404885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fiveyaaas/pseuds/fiveyaaas
Summary: “It was wrong, what she was doing. Refusing to acknowledge that she even knew who he was.But the worst part?She’d started dragging him along, telling everyone about her wonderful new boyfriend, who watched her with a studious, creepy, disgusting gaze.And yes, saying that about his alternate self, who had a body congruent to his age, was completely fair. He had Vanya in his lap, resting his hand against her thigh, dressed in a Santa suit because of course he was. Clearly, Vanya only wanted the man because she wanted to piss off Five, but she was very successful in the endeavor.”
Relationships: Number Five | The Boy/Vanya Hargreeves
Series: under mistletoe [25]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2036878
Comments: 1
Kudos: 26
Collections: Harcest Ficmas 2020





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [JjdoggieS](https://archiveofourown.org/users/JjdoggieS/gifts).



> Okay, so I know that I didn’t really do dedications much at all during fic-mas, but I HAVE to thank JjdoggieS for running this collection with me and inspiring me to do this. I have always wanted to do fic-mas all the way through, and I’m so thankful that she convinced me to do this by joining in herself! Her fluff is GOD TIER, and she’s also just one of the sweetest people I know. 
> 
> ALSO. For the sake of this fic, paradox psychosis takes a while to take effect and Allison rumors it out of them. Season 2 can kiss my ass, and Vanya singing Santa Baby in lingerie is MUCH more hilarious than any of the fart jokes could ever dream of😤

It was wrong, what she was doing. Refusing to acknowledge that she even knew who he was. 

But the worst part? 

She’d started dragging  _ him _ along, telling everyone about her wonderful new boyfriend, who watched her with a studious, creepy, disgusting gaze. 

And yes, saying that about his alternate self, who had a body congruent to his age, was completely fair. He had Vanya in his lap, resting his hand against her thigh, dressed in a Santa suit because of  _ course _ he was. Clearly, Vanya only wanted the man because she wanted to piss off Five, but she was  _ very  _ successful in the endeavor.

When she stood up, kissing the other Five’s lips for many more moments than necessary, he was pretty sure they would have started to fuck on the sofa if Luther hadn’t cleared his throat.

“So,  _ Frank,”  _ Luther started, a forced lightness in his voice. His siblings were all idiots, thinking that Vanya genuinely believed that this guy wasn’t him, that, to her, she’d just found some random old man and decided that she wanted to be romantically involved with him. “Vanya said that you met recently.”

‘Frank’ nodded, smiling over to her, starting to pull her back into his lap before she kissed his cheek and told him that she was going to grab something. He kissed her again before she left, which Five felt was a  _ little  _ codependent. 

“How did you and Vanya meet?” Five asked, sharpening a knife.

His younger (and physically, older) self smirked. “It was the funniest thing. I happened to be walking by her apartment-”

“Of course you were, you sick son of a-”

**“I heard a rumor that neither of you experienced paradox psychosis.”**

_ “Bitch,” _ Five finished, flicking his eyes over from his alternate self to Allison to glare at her. “Allison, wanting to kill this man has nothing to do with paradox psychosis. Obviously.”

“Vanya doesn’t know.”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake. Of course she  _ knows.  _ She’s trying to fuck with me.”

“Why would she do that?”

“Trying to kill her probably didn’t help her develop tender thoughts,” Klaus offered unhelpfully. 

“Plus the whole abandoning her for her to start banging a serial killer thing,” Diego added. 

“Yeah, and your outfit looks really stupid right now too,” Ben chimed in.

“Why are you all teaming up against me?”

“For the fuck of it.” Klaus.

“For justice.” Diego. 

“For crimes against fashion.” Ben. 

“What is your problem with my  _ clothes?” _

“You are  _ still  _ voluntarily wearing that uniform. Vanya is right to bone… what should we call you when Vanya isn’t around, Other Five?”

“Why isn’t  _ he _ called Other Five?”

“Because I’m the  _ original-” _

“You could just both call them morons, and it’d be accurate,” Allison remarked. “Luther, could you help me in the kitchen? I have to talk shit about them behind their back, and, if I do it under the guise of you going to the kitchen with me, maybe they won’t figure that out.”

Five frowned at her. 

“Does anybody else think that it’s a little  _ odd  _ that Vanya just happened to find the alternate version of Five and he was just willing to start dating her?” Diego asked. 

Both Fives frowned at him. Speaking for both of them, Five told his brother, resisting the urge to roll his eyes, “How have you not figured  _ that  _ out?”

“Wait, did you and Vanya have a  _ thing?  _ I don’t think… no, that can’t be right. I would have been able to figure that out, for sure. My observational skills were pretty keen, given my career.”

Five set his head in his hands. “Christ, Diego.”

Vanya walked into the room, and he followed her movements with his eyes until she was standing just a few feet from him. “I hope it’s okay that I got you all gifts… they’re not much, but…”

“They’ll be great,” Five assured. 

Vanya blushed, “Oh, thanks, kiddo.”

His left eye twitched. During her fake amnesia spell, where she pretended to have only forgotten about Five, she’d started doing whatever she could to make sure that she only thought of him as a child.  _ “Five,”  _ he corrected. 

She squeezed his cheek. “You’re older than  _ that,  _ Silly.”

“Are you… trying to model your tone after  _ Grace?” _

Vanya ignored him, walking over to his alternate self and collapsing back into his lap. When they immediately started making out again, Five groaned, praying for the sweet release of death. 

“Vanya, we all  _ know  _ that you’re faking this,” Five snapped, crossing his arms over her chest and glaring at her.

She widened her eyes, coaxing her features into something resembling a kicked puppy. “You think I’m faking amnesia?” Vanya whimpered, somehow still managing to tug at his heartstrings even when he knew she was just acting. “Why would I lie about something like that? How horrible do you think I am?”

“You did cause the end of the world,” Ben pointed out, mainly because he was a ghost and couldn’t actually die by this point. When the other Five launched the nearest object to himself at his face, it simply phased through them. Ben sighed. “I was simply pointing out that in the grand scheme of things, lying about amnesia while you bang an altered timeline’s version of your brother wouldn’t be  _ that  _ awful in comparison to killing 7.5 billion people.”

“Do we know that they’re banging?” Klaus asked. “Sitting in laps can be a platonic activity, actually.”

Ben glared at him, “You are  _ not  _ going to get me to forgive you for giving some random forty year old woman a lap dance for twenty dollars in 2009.” 

_ “Only  _ twenty dollars, Klaus?” Diego gasped. “You could have at least gotten fifty, learn your worth, bro.”

Five sighed, glaring skyward, hoping to intimidate the little girl in the sky enough to make his eternal punishment end. 

As if She heard his thoughts and wanted to spite him for it, Vanya started tugging at the lapels of the old bastard’s coat, giggling and asking him, loudly enough that everyone in the tristate area could likely hear, if he’d wear that for her  _ later.  _ Five started to stand up, ready to leave the house when Vanya glanced over to him, raising her brows significantly, challenging him. 

Not willing to back away from the challenge, assuming it was some sort of test from her, he sat back down, sealing his lips into a thin line. On the off-chance that this was some sort of mating ritual, attempting to decipher if he was willing to wait the five to ten years it would take before she was willing to actually be with him, he was perfectly fine sitting here and watching her-

Christ, she was pulling at her coat. He hadn’t even realized she was wearing such a long coat, but he should have figured it out, all things considered. This  _ was _ some sort of punishment aimed at  _ him,  _ after all. 

“Holy  _ shit,  _ Vanya,” Allison said, dropping her jaw. 

“See, these are the bold takes on fashion that I am searching for.” Ben appeared at her side, which Five found irritating, realizing that all ghosts had one of his powers. “You are definitely pulling this off, V.”

“Ben, why are you acting like the secret sixth member of Queer Eye?” Diego inquired.

“I made a bet with Klaus earlier that I could say something irritating enough to Five that he would find a way to break the laws of physics and punch me in the face. I have three steps to my plan for accomplishing this, the first being that I vex Vanya.”

“Why would you  _ want  _ Five to punch you in the face?”

“There are a multitude of reasons, but they essentially boil down to the phrase, ‘for science.’”

“That sounds like the premise of a highly specific porno, dealing with time travel and ghosts.”

“We could call it ‘ _ Sexy Time Machine’.” _

“That’s too lazy. What about  _ ‘Bareback to the Future’?” _

“Ooh, consider-  _ Groaned-hog’s Day.” _

“I think that we’re ignoring the ghostly side of this.  _ ‘Casper the Slutty Ghost.’” _

“That’s pretty lazy too.”

_ “‘Para-whore-mal Activity.’” _

“I think we need something that blends the themes of time travel and the paranormal-”

“What are you  _ wearing?”  _ Five interrupted Ben, Klaus, and Diego’s commentary when he was finally able to speak again, genuinely incapable of speech from the bewilderment of seeing Vanya in some sort of vulgar take on a Mrs. Claus outfit. Red stockings that reached her creamy thighs, red ‘dress’ that fell just inches above them, and a bright red bow around her neck (loose enough to show the enormous hickey that she was sporting).

“I wanted to be dressed right for the musical number,” Vanya told him, grinning. 

“I have a feeling I know where this is-”

_ “Santa Baby.” _

“Jesus, Christ, of  _ course  _ it is.”

“Oh, wait, I think I finally get it now,” Diego said. “He’s her sugar daddy!”

“Diego, why can’t you just let Vanya be with a DILF? She deserves it.” Klaus turned to Luther with a sigh. “You want me to explain, big guy?”

“Is Five… a father?”

“No, Luther, DILF is just an expression.”

Vanya cleared her throat, and everybody in the house turned to her. 

Five didn’t think that he had ever done anything in his life to  _ possibly  _ deserve the torment he experienced immediately afterwards. 

For one thing, Vanya had never been super interested in singing, though she was talented. When they were younger, he could convince her to sing for him very rarely, but he’d cherished it every time. Seeing her sing for somebody  _ else  _ was punishment enough. 

But seeing her sing a song about a younger woman sleeping with an older man for her own personal gain was going to cause his blood pressure to go through the roof. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me? Updating WIPs back from fic-mas? It’s more likely than you think. 
> 
> Also this chapter somehow got angsty, which is hilarious, given the fact that there is a tag in this fic for Santa Kink.

If one were to ask whether or not Vanya Hargreeves was lying, they must first understand three things. 

_One,_ even if she _was_ lying, _some_ people deserved the treatment they were receiving for her. Considering _some_ people tried to kill her after leaving her a second time, the first time being for seventeen years. And _some_ people needed to learn a lesson in what she found acceptable. 

Some people, of course, being Five Hargreeves. If that wasn’t clear already. 

_ Two,  _ when one met the version of their traitor best friend that actually  _ cared _ about them enough not to kill them, after being around a version of their traitor best friend that did  _ not  _ care about them enough not to kill them, they might lie about having amnesia to spite them, too. 

_ Three,  _ it was winter, and Vanya was lonely. 

It wasn’t like Five (non-traitor) didn’t understand what she was doing. In fact, he’d helped her plan ways that might upset Five (traitor) even more. Seeing Five (traitor) froth at the mouth when she sat in Five’s (non-traitor) lap was doing something for both of them, she was pretty sure. Petty revenge, of course, being an aphrodisiac for many couples. 

Her lips found his ear, tugging at the lobe before she muttered, “Is he still watching?”

“Yes, dear.” She giggled loudly, shooting a quick, pointed look to Five (traitor), who was still gaping at the costume she wore (which, yeah, it was basically lingerie, but that was beside the point). “Ignore him, though,” Five (non-traitor) told her quietly, and she turned back to him, looking into his bright eyes. “It’ll make him more upset if you don’t even look at him.”

So, she started kissing Five again, not thinking about revenge or fake amnesia or anything else, just rolling her hips and giggling when his mustache tickled. 

“Okay, I can’t handle this anymore. Vanya, please climb off of Fi— _ Frank’s  _ lap.” Vanya glanced up at Luther, frowning. “Don’t look at me like that! You don’t see Allison in  _ my  _ lap at our family events.”

“That’s because you’d more likely be in Allison’s lap,” Ben pointed out. Allison shrugged, not arguing. 

“You know, it’s not good for young minds such as Five’s to see you making out with… Frank.” Vanya nearly gasped as Ben said it, considering he was using her own pettiness against her.  _ “Right,  _ Five?”

Five looked seconds away from kissing Ben. “Yes, Ben, you’re right. It  _ is  _ bad on my developing, fragile psyche. In fact, I think that they should be separated from one another, so as not to scar my young mind completely. Is that alright with you, though, Vanya? I don’t wish to upset you.”

Vanya grimaced at him, standing up and walking to the other side of the room. “Not a problem at all. I wouldn’t want to scar your  _ young  _ mind.” Even though he’d just been monologuing about it, he still flinched when he heard her call him young. “Though, really, it’s starting to get late. Frank and I were probably going to go soon, anyways.”

Her boyfriend nodded enthusiastically. “You’re right. We should go home.”

And maybe it was the use of ‘home’ that did it, that Vanya being close enough with someone for them to refer to her place as theirs too, but she could have sworn something other than anger or jealousy flashed across his features. A deep sadness that clearly revealed how old he really was. 

She wanted to tell him, ‘What did you  _ expect?’  _ Of course she’d gotten close to Five immediately. She’d waited seventeen years for him to come home, and this version of him wouldn’t leave her, wouldn’t try to  _ kill  _ her. 

Vanya knew that she would find happiness with him, and if Five, the one who’d completely betrayed her, couldn’t understand that, then maybe it was for the best that she found happiness with somebody else.

On some level, they were the same people. Closer in their consciousnesses than any other versions of themselves, considering there was only about a month’s difference between who they were. And she did feel for Five, knowing how awful it must’ve been to land in a body that didn’t look like himself, but she still couldn’t help but be upset, knowing that part of the reason he’d left her behind was because of it. 

Even though she would have waited for him, if he’d given her the chance to do so.

As she and Five left the others behind, she rested her head on his shoulder, suddenly really tired.

“You okay?” Five asked, helping her into his coat before offering her his arm. She grabbed it tightly, not realizing how upset she really was until he wrapped his arms around her, promising her that it would all be okay while she cried into his shoulder. 

When they got home, he carried her to their bed, laying her down on it and curling up to her side. “It bothers you, doesn’t it?” His voice held no judgement or anger at all; he just sounded concerned for her. She nearly purred as he started stroking her back. “We don’t have to do that again, you know. If it upsets you, I don’t think we should.”

“It’s just so  _ unfair  _ that he would expect immediate forgiveness after he tried to kill me, and he left me  _ again  _ when all I did was express my disbelief that the world would be ending.” When Five made a small noise, she hastened to add, “Not because he was saying it, but it’s just… that’s something that’s really hard to process. I couldn’t even comprehend it. It wasn’t that I didn’t believe him; it was that I was in disbelief that something like that would be happening so soon.”

Guiltily, she added, “I suggested that he go to therapy, too, but it was because I was  _ concerned.  _ The idea of him spending the rest of his life with as upset as he was asking caused pains in my chest, and I just… I  _ want  _ him to be happy. He deserves to be happy.” 

Five kissed her cheek. “I think he knows that. At the very least,  _ I  _ know that.” 

“Why would he try to kill me?” Her voice was small, and she turned to face him, knowing he could see all of the vulnerability across her features. “Would you have done the same, Five?”

He studied her features before finally saying, “It would be lying if I said that I know exactly what I’d do. When I found out that you caused it, my first instinct was to  _ help _ you, but I don’t know how he found out or why he finally came to that conclusion. I’m  _ assuming  _ it’s because he thought you’d die either way, and he wanted to make it as painless as possible as well as save all of the others in the process.”

“Would you have done it, though?”

“I don’t think I could have ever gone through with it, no.” He sighed. “I’m sure I’d consider it if I was at my wit’s end, and I was willing to go to the most drastic measures. And if I ever went through with it, I wouldn’t see myself wanting to live much longer afterwards.”

“Oh.” 

He brushed his lips to her neck. “I can’t guarantee that he had the exact same thought process, but I  _ don’t  _ think that he would ever take the decision of hurting you lightly, dear. Even though he and I are not precisely the same people, I know that his reason to be alive and his reason for everything is for you and our family. Loving you is just… part of who he is, and anyway he hurt you, he would want to experience tenfold.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I don’t know if anybody is actually even reading this WIP, but it’s such a self-indulgent fic that it’s one I know will be more likely to be updated LMAO.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!!!💕 I appreciate everyone who has followed my fic-mas stories, and, hopefully, I’ll write some more next year!!!💕


End file.
